The Things Hillary Should Do

Hillary Clinton, as I write this, is only an hour away from testifying before the Benghazi committee. And there are things she should do, and things she shouldn’t do when she meets up with Trey Gowdy. Here’s my list, just to help her out (don’t worry… I doubt she’ll be reading this!).

  1. Wear green. Make sure you have Coca Cola bottom glasses on and you do your hair like you did the last time you testified before congress. Make every effort to look and sound like Kermit the Frog. It worked last time.
  2. Wave your arms around a lot. Flap them like you want to fly away to Chappaqua. It also would help to use the phrase, “What difference does it make at this point?” a lot. In fact, that’s a primo answer to every question!
  3. Tell Trey Gowdy that he’s nothing more than a low-life-right-wing-political hack and how dare he question your ability to tell the truth! Confront him on the issue that your stories have changed several times since March, and that you’ve been caught in no fewer than 27 lies regarding your emails.
  4. Kiss Elijah Cummings bald head. He’d like that.
  5. Whatever you do, make sure that you don’t smile. Smiling infers that you’re lying. The public sees that and Trey Gowdy is a very talented former federal prosecutor who can read body language. Look dower and subdued. It would help to have an angry look on your face. That’s what Lois Lerner did and it worked for her. It’ll work for you as well.
  6. You want to compare the Republican Party to the Nazis as many times as you can. Call the investigation into your emails a “witch hunt that is impeding on my God-given right to become the first female president in history!”

There are also several things you don’t want to do. I touched on a few of them briefly. Here are some more:

  1. Don’t tell the truth. You’ve lied your way through this thing from the beginning. Now is NOT the time to bring the truth out! You’ll ruin everything you’ve built up.
  2. Don’t answer questions that are asked of you. Obfuscate. Dance around. Show the world that you are a politician and that regardless of the question asked, you are going to make you OWN point, not try to answer some dumb shit’s point.
  3. Don’t look content. Keep looking at your watch like you have someplace important to go. If someone on the committee asks you about why you’re looking at your watch, tell them you want to get home to feed your cat. And besides, what business is it of theirs where you go or what you do!
  4. Finally, and this is a big one…don’t tell the committee that you’re happy to try to clear the air. What you want to do is tell them that you’ve been the most transparent American in history and that what you’ve said, when you said it was the truth so far as you wanted to believe it. Any attempt to try to make this anything other than what it is, which is whatever you WANT it to be is a waste of taxpayer dollars that will result in IRS audits and FBI investigations for all Republican committee members when you’re coronated….er elected president.

And that’s the way you should handle yourself!

Carry on Hillary, You’re dismissed!

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