Hillary Admits She Lied…Suspends Campaign!

In a rare moment of truthfulness, Hillary Clinton addressed a campaign stop in Wisconsin yesterday and announced that she had indeed lied to the American people about her email server. It had contained classified documents. She did send classified documents and she received classified documents, some of them were Top Secret. She apologized with tears in her eyes for what she called, “My Monica moment”, and asked that the Democrats in attendance forgive her.

Then she stunned the crowd with the following statement: “Knowing that I’ve abused my privilege as a leader, and knowing that I can never be trusted by the American people to make the tough decisions that a president needs to be made, I am hereby suspending my campaign for the presidency effective immediately and I am releasing my delegates, and the super delegates. I am asking those delegates to vote for Bernie Sanders, an honorable and honest man. I am truly sorry for my foibles, and I will go back to making millions on the lecture circuit and living the life of a quiet, multi-millionaire.”

The crowd was stunned. Half of the crowd applauded the decision, half the crowd sat in stunned silence. A few wept openly, and one woman tore her bra off and threw it at Hillary calling her a “traitor to male suppression”. Clinton then waved to the crowd, kicked her Secret Service escort in the balls, and strode off to her waiting limousine. She took no questions from the press.

Bill Clinton was at the same event, was standing behind Hillary after she made her stunning announcement, and took over the microphone after Hillary left the podium. “Shucks”, said Bill, “I really wanted to get back to the White House. You get laid a lot more often in that building than any other, except for that place in the Caribbean that I go to…yeah…that’s a really nice place down there!” He then shrugged his shoulders and walked off, grabbing some cute girl’s ass on the way.

CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, CBS, ABC, and NBC all broke into regular programming with the announcement. The tone had the feel of a presidential assassination. One commentator on CNN made the comment, “We will always remember where we were and what we were doing when we heard that Hillary was suspending her campaign”. There were tears in her eyes when she made the comment.

Oh…

APRIL FOOLS!

Carry on world…you’re dismissed!

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5 thoughts on “Hillary Admits She Lied…Suspends Campaign!

  1. TED CRUZ ANNOUNCES HIS PLATFORM IS UNREALISTIC AND UTTER BULLSHIT

    Ted Cruz held a press conference today at the First Church of What’s Happening Now to announce that he is withdrawing from the race and throwing his support behind Donald Trump. He is quoted saying “Donald Trump has been equivocating everything the Republican Party has stood for since Ricard Nixon utilized the famous “Southern Strategy” in 1968. He has the courage to call a spade a spade, a group that we want to prevent voting through basically unconstitutional voter ID laws.” He further stated that his platform was really to redistribute wealth to the top 1% by giving them an income tax break of 29%, businesses a tax break of 19%, eliminating the Estate Tax and for the largest corporations, all profits earned overseas is tax free. He pointed out that “his plan to eliminate payroll taxes and still fully fund Social Security and Medicare was not only unworkable but fucking hilarious. I cannot believe that people fall for this crap and Americans are stupider than even I thought,” citing the eliminate of the Estate as an example. “My statement that that small businesses and family farms have to be sold to pay the Estate tax shows how fucking clueless and uninformed these nimrods are. No family farm was ever sold to pay the Estate tax because there are no family farms left.” As for small businesses, “Most of all them are Subchapter S or LLCs, so the stockholders or partners either inherit the decedent’s shares or interest as the current deduction for Estate taxes is in excess of $12 million.”

    Standing with Ted at the press conference was the pastor of the church, Rev. I. M. A Hustler, who said that both he, Ted and Ted’s wife, Heidi, prayed over this decision and God told them that they could make more money with Ted being a lobbyist and Heidi returning to her position at Goldman Sachs rather than the “chump change” for being president. Ted grateful for this pipeline to God said that he is donating all his campaign funds, PAC funds and Super PAC funds to the Rev. Hustler because I was controlling them anyway. The Reverend further stated that God told him that he would protect Ted from any campaign law violations and the church was buying a new jet for the Rev. Hustler, an Airbus 380.

    As a final parting shot Ted announced that he never renounced his Canadian citizenship saying he is moving to Canada “so I can do to the French Canadians what I want to do to Mexicans.”

    Happy April Fools Day Desert and that tax stuff mentioned above is from Ted’s website. Conservatives, can’t live with them and could easily live without them.

  2. Desert, as my seriously right wing Republican friend in New Orleans days, the truth hurts and it’s always funny, Glad you enjoyed my satire as I enjoyed yours.

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