To be honest, when I sat down in front of the TV yesterday afternoon at 4pm, I did not expect to be writing this. I fully expected Hillary Clinton would become the next president. She was up 4 points in the polls (the same thing Mitt Romney had been up four years earlier), and it looked like an easy glide to 270 Electoral Votes. Obviously, I had a lot to learn. But by 1:30am, when I finally went to bed (that’s Mountain Standard Time by the way), I had watched the greatest upset in political history. And it’s with that we have some goodbyes to say today…people that have sworn they would leave the country if Donald Trump won the White House…so let’s get our hankies out and wave goodbye to them!
RUTH BADER GINSBURG: Well, we figured she wouldn’t make it another term. Hell, she was sleeping through stuff already! Ruth and her hubby will be heading to New Zealand. Bye-bye Ruth! Now the Supreme Court is down to 7!
GEORGE LOPEZ: The comedian quipped that he wouldn’t have to worry about seeing the White House because Trump would be sending him “back”. Bye George!
KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: Another comedian who made the stupid comment they’d move to Canada if Trump won. For Key, it won’t be a big move…he lives across the St. Clair River in Detroit, so he can take the bridge, or he can take the tunnel!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Said he’d be leaving the country for Canada too! But who will we confuse with Laurence Fishburne in those Visa commercials???
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Well Karyn (her real first name), we’ll miss you on The View, but beside that you really haven’t done much since “Ghost”. Guess you can afford to leave…at least that’s what you said, so WHEN are you going?
JON STEWART: Jon is actually going to be leaving planet Earth. He has stated that he’d go to another planet because Earth will have become too bonkers if Trump wins. Blast off, Jon!
CHER: Or as my mother-in-law used to call her, “that fat Indian” (she was never politically correct). She might be able to hitch a ride with Stewart because she says she’s moving to Jupiter!
CHELSEA HANDLER: You know I used to like her stuff, but that was years ago. She tried to get serious and have people take her for something other than what she is, which is a drug-induced slut. Sorry Chelsea…and she actually apparently bought a house in another country. She didn’t say which one, and I don’t think anybody cared enough to ask!
AMY SCHUMER: Yup…the foul-mouthed comedienne decided to move to “Spain or somewhere” because it would be too crazy to stay here. I’ve got a list of swear words in Spanish that might come in useful, Amy!
BRYAN CRANSTON: The star of “Breaking Bad” had hoped he wouldn’t have to pack his bags. Need any help Bry?
LENA DUNHAM: The Golden Globe winner, and star of “Girls” on HBO said that she couldn’t hang around if Donald Trump won. She thought it was such a long-shot it was a safe bet. But she had a nice place picked out in Vancouver, just in case. Bye-bye!
NE-YO: Real name: Shaffer Chimere Smith. Yeah, the R&B artist said that he’d be leaving the country if Trump won. He wanted to be neighbors with fellow R&B singer DRAKE. Bye bye!
BARBARA STREISAND: Heading to Canada! Hell, I thought she was dead…she’s still alive?
MILEY CYRUS: Yeah, another big-mouthed singer that is moving. And as she says…”I don’t say things, I don’t mean!”
BARRY DILLER: The guy that helped start Fox Broadcasting, and the head of Expedia has said he’d be leaving the country. Sorry to see you go Barry, but at least you brought us a decent TV network before you left us!
NEVE CAMPBELL: I’m kinda sorry to see Neve leave us. I really liked her work in House of Cards!
BARACK OBAMA?: Yeah, the White House won’t comment on whether he’s heading to Hawaii or Kenya. All they’ll say is something about “going back to where he was born”. Hmmm….
Carry on world…you’re dismissed… all except for you Mr. Trump!